You
by Bardaholic
Summary: "An illness of the heart, the healer had advised. He believed that she had likely had it for a while and it had gone unnoticed, but it was getting worse, and there was nothing to be done." Something sad/angsty, and no doubt completely medically inaccurate, but that's irrelevant ;) **Updated existing chapters, added a couple more**
1. Chapter 1

_This has totally run away from me. The idea I initially had was (what will be) the end of this, just a short, emotional moment. But when I sat down to write it, I found myself wanting to construct some kind of a beginning. So I thought, 'cool, just a few choppy paragraphs to kinda set the scene, and they will build up into the main bit which will have all the emotional stuff.' Before I knew it, I'd written a couple of thousand words, and I couldn't stop._

 _For this reason, it probably seems really detached and kinda rushed, but I really didn't feel like re-writing it in a different style; it would just make the whole thing even longer and more difficult to write. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it so far, but it's been sitting around on my computer since July and I'm determined to finish it somehow._

 _I've updated these few chapters I had up, because I've changed a couple of little things here and there, and I've added a couple more. I'm close to the end, but I'll probably hold a few chapters back until I'm sure I don't want to change anything in them._

* * *

 ** _"_** ** _If you must die, sweetheart, die knowing your life was my life's best part" –_** **Keaton Henson, 'You'**

An illness of the heart, the healer had advised. He believed that she had likely had it for a while and it had gone unnoticed, but it was getting worse, and there was nothing to be done. Zedd had tried to use his gift to heal, or at least strengthen her heart, but the magic wouldn't hold; illnesses that were not caused by magic could not always be cured by magic.

Thankfully they'd already made it to Aydindril before she'd collapsed the first time, and there it was that the healer had examined her and made the diagnosis. Of course, Kahlan had insisted on continuing to carry out her Confessor duties, but over time the strain had become too much, forcing her to retreat into her living quarters earlier and earlier each day.

Zedd had come to terms with the situation from the moment he'd felt for himself, through his magic, how fragile Kahlan's heart was, and how her lungs seemed to be following suit. He loved Kahlan like a daughter and had wept that day, but he was old enough and wise enough to know that this was something he could not change. Richard remained the optimistic youth he'd always been, reading all he could find in the libraries of Aydindril and the Wizard's Keep - and The People's Palace, when he was there for a while to see to matters in D'Hara - searching for a cure or ways to slow the illness.

In the face of the many issues that kept arising, each new evil they'd had to vanquish, things had cooled between Richard and Kahlan, but they still shared a strong bond. Zedd had worried that Richard's denial was setting him up for further pain in the future, but he realised that Richard was coping in the only way he knew how – by approaching the situation as The Seeker.

Cara had everyone concerned. At first she'd been the one to keep everything in order - matching Kahlan's impressive stubbornness with her own, often forcing the Confessor to put her duties aside and rest, and never allowing the others to become mired in sadness over what was to be. She'd taken a practical approach to dealing with things, appointing herself Kahlan's guardian, never more than two strides away, attuned to Kahlan's every move. Her Mord-Sith facade hadn't wavered the day she'd stepped in to catch Kahlan during a hearing; the Mother Confessor had become short of breath, causing her to become lightheaded and prone to fainting. Cara, ever vigilant, had noticed the change in Kahlan's movements quickly enough that she'd made it to the brunette's side just in time to slip an arm around her waist and lead her from the room as her knees began to buckle. As soon as they'd made it out of sight, Cara had effortlessly lifted Kahlan into her arms without a word, avoiding eye contact with the Confessor and marching her stoically through the quieter passages of the palace to reach her room.

That had been the beginning of Kahlan's acceptance of her state, the realisation that her illness was real and tangible here and now, not just a spectre of something she would have to deal with much further into the future. She'd been mortified at having caused something of a spectacle at the hearing she'd been presiding over but, more than that, she'd been frightened. Cara had been there to scold her for not being more careful (the "I told you so" had been implied) and the Mord-Sith's no-nonsense manner had comforted Kahlan. She and Cara had grown close enough over the years that she'd known Cara's eye-rolls and scoffs in that moment to be an expression of concern and affection, as evidenced by the blonde tucking her into bed and lecturing on how important it was for her to get enough rest - not to mention the warmth in her eyes that always gave her away. But Kahlan had known that she could no longer ignore the seriousness of the situation.


	2. Chapter 2

The next time Kahlan fainted, Cara began to unravel. It was a little over a month later, on a warm, clear day. Kahlan's body may have grown weary but her mind had not, and she was growing restless within the confines of the palace, no longer able to keep up with stress of her work. She pleaded with Cara to walk with her just outside the palace walls, and the blonde had to wonder when it was that she'd begun to find herself unable to deny Kahlan anything, no matter how ill-advised the request.

Kahlan opted to avoid the busy market stalls outside the front gates and the people of Aydindril who would recognise her, directing Cara to a lake behind the palace instead. Despite her worry, Cara was glad to see Kahlan's genuine smile as they strolled slowly along the shore. Kahlan tired quickly and they took shelter from the sun beneath a tree, but Cara smiled imperceptibly to see Kahlan looking more as she was used to seeing her; in her leather travelling clothes, instead of the regal white gown of the Mother Confessor, with dappled sunlight filtering through the leaves above to brighten her cheeks, her hair lifting lazily in the breeze. Kahlan looked more at home outdoors, despite having been raised into the formal life of a Confessor.

An hour passed the two women by as they sat in comfortable silence, shoulders touching, allowing themselves a respite from the problems and worries they each faced. The distant chatter from the market stalls occasionally wafted by with the breeze, and an assortment of birds bathed in the lake. When Kahlan's stomach grumbled, Cara smirked and suggested they head back. Kahlan blushed and nodded in agreement.

They were just stepping into the grand entryway of the palace when Kahlan reached out for Cara, feeling unsteady. Her eyes closed and her body went limp, falling into Cara's arms. The Mord-Sith's jaw clenched with worry as she swiftly made her way through the palace, paying no heed to the servants and officials she passed along the way. She listened carefully to each feeble inhale and exhale coming from the body in her arms, trying to keep herself grounded.


	3. Chapter 3

A full day later, Cara was still sitting by Kahlan's bed.

She'd called for Zedd, Richard, and the palace healer as she'd marched into Kahlan's room and gently lowered the Confessor's limp body onto fresh sheets. Kahlan's pulse had been slow, but steady, and they'd tried to wake her. First with cold water and a damp cloth to her brow; to no effect. When smelling salts and magic had both failed to yield results, the healer had warned that Kahlan might never wake.

Cara fought back the feeling of guilt creeping up on her, the nagging voice that said she should've taken better care of Kahlan, shouldn't have let her exert herself on their walk. She knew that given a chance to do things over, Kahlan would choose to spend that hour out in the sun again, rather than sitting idle and safe within the stone and marble of the palace. Cara also knew that, even if she could do things over, she wouldn't be able to deny Kahlan's request any better the second time; not when Kahlan pouted at her with mirth in her eyes and then smiled brightly when Cara acquiesced.

 ** _Feelings make you weak_** **.** Cara's fists clenched with the effort of pushing her emotions back into their dark and dusty corner. She drew on her Mord-Sith training, pulling the familiar persona around herself as armour against the onslaught.

Her fists unclenched. She took a breath.

She stood and began to pace at the foot of the bed.

* * *

Kahlan had been asleep for nearly two full days before she finally, miraculously, awoke. Cara was at her side in an instant, feeling her pulse, watching her chest rise and fall with each shaky breath, feeling her face for signs of fever. Kahlan noted Cara's wide-eyed expression, the flash of hope in green eyes. But Kahlan felt weak. She knew she was only going to get worse.

Their eyes met. Cara's glistened with unshed tears and swam with emotion that was usually kept hidden. She retrieved a glass of water from the dresser and helped Kahlan take a sip.

"What happened?" Kahlan cleared her throat, finding her voice hoarse from lack of use.

Cara swallowed back the lump in her throat. "You don't remember?"

"I remember we were at the lake."

Cara's body tensed, as though preparing for battle. The change was subtle, but Kahlan had always been particularly observant.

"You fainted. It's been two days."

Kahlan broke their eye contact, unable to bear the weight of Cara's scrutiny. She could only nod.

Unseen by the Confessor, Cara's shoulders slumped slightly as she moved towards the door. She called on a young girl from the palace staff to send for Richard and Zedd, and to bring Kahlan some broth, remembering how Kahlan's stomach had spoken two days earlier. She stayed by the door, watching Kahlan from the corner of her eye, until the young girl returned with a steaming bowl. Kahlan pulled herself upright in bed as Cara walked over. She smiled in thanks when the Mord-Sith carefully handed her the bowl, but Cara noted that the smile hadn't reached Kahlan's eyes.

Kahlan didn't have the heart to tell Cara that the smell of the broth made her queasy or that she wasn't as hungry as she should've been after going so long without food. She also knew that she needed to ingest something if she hoped to regain some strength. Cara perched on the edge of the bed with a look that Kahlan thought resembled a hopeful puppy. So she forced the liquid down, spoonful by spoonful, until the bowl was empty. As Cara was taking the bowl from her hands, Richard and Zedd came bursting through the door.


	4. Chapter 4

For about the tenth time that day, Kahlan glanced over at Cara and caught her eye before the Mord-Sith quickly redirected her gaze to a point just past Kahlan's face. Cara had retreated to the far corner to give Zedd and Richard space while they'd fretted over Kahlan, but the Mother Confessor had felt those piercing green eyes on her the entire time. Each time she looked up she found herself being scrutinized in a manner lacking the mirth or curiosity that usually accompanied the stare.

Zedd had taken it upon himself to brew Kahlan a complicated tea that he insisted would help her regain some strength, while Richard settled by her bedside with a deck of cards to teach her a game. Neither of them seemed to have noticed Cara's odd behaviour, or even that she was still in the room, but Kahlan felt her stomach churn, worrying over the sudden change in her friend.

The hours passed by slowly, and towards the evening Kahlan saw Cara leave the room without a backwards glance. When the door opened a few minutes later she hoped the Mord-Sith had returned, but she was disappointed to see an older woman of the palace staff instead. Judging by the way the woman took up post in Cara's previously occupied corner, Kahlan knew she'd been appointed a stand-in guardian; Cara wouldn't be returning that night.

* * *

Cara snatched a bow and a quiver of arrows from a flustered guard as she stormed out of the Confessor's Palace. She made a beeline for the stables and vaulted onto the back of a dark mare, foregoing a bridle or saddle and completely ignoring the stable-hand. She rode fast, her head low, her hands wrapped in the mare's mane, and her body tensed with the strain. As she rode further and further from the palace, she could feel herself regaining some of that legendary Mord-Sith control over her thoughts and emotions.

She was in the mood for a hunt.

* * *

As the evening drew on it was clear to Zedd that Kahlan was growing weary once more. He checked on her one last time, poured her a fresh mug of tea, and bid her goodnight with a glance at Richard which suggested he do the same. On the way out, the First Wizard didn't fail to notice that Cara had been replaced by Gertrude of the palace staff. The plump, middle-aged woman blushed as he passed her with a nod and a polite smile. Although he was exhausted and eager to get some rest, Zedd worried over the meaning of Cara's absence. He put in a word with some of the guards on the night-watch around the palace grounds, and with Doran, the stable master, who was on the lookout for the return of the mare. Feeling that there wasn't much more for him to do, he made his way back into the palace to get some rest.


	5. Chapter 5

Cara left the mare to graze in the clearing as she stealthily headed further downstream with the bow ready and an arrow nocked, following some fresh tracks. It wasn't long before she caught sight of a large buck by the stream. An almost feral grin emerged as she raised the bow; she would have no trouble taking it down clean. But before she could release the arrow, her eyes inexplicably pricked with tears. She lowered the bow and took a gasp of breath as she fell to one knee. A twig snapped beneath her and the buck fled.

Her mind filled with the image of Kahlan aiming a bow unsteadily at a young doe. The Mother Confessor had put on a tough act and accompanied Cara on a hunt, but when it had come time to release the arrow she'd lowered the bow with watery eyes.

 ** _"I can't do it. Look at her, she's beautiful."_**

 ** _Cara rolled her eyes. "She'd be even more beautiful on a plate with some blackberry sauce."_**

 ** _Kahlan didn't even crack a smirk. Cara could only sigh. If Kahlan was a Sister of the Agiel, Cara would present her with the choice to kill and skin the animal, or to be skinned herself. She thought she should at least take the bow from Kahlan and kill the doe herself, for the sake of their dinner. So why did the thought fill her with such unease? Surely she should derive pleasure from causing the Confessor pain?_**

 ** _Cara wondered, not for the first time, whether The Wizard had found a way to cast a spell on her at Richard's bidding. "Fish it is."_**

Cara was unable to control the sudden onset of tears, or the almost inhuman wail that burst from her lungs. **_She's dying. And there's nothing I can do._** With hardly a thought Cara stood and began throwing her fists against the rough bark of a red oak. With every punch the bark tore at her gloves and into the skin of her knuckles, but she barely noticed. She envisioned all of her conflicting emotions flowing out through her fists, all the thoughts that shouldn't be.

As she pounded the last dregs of her uncertainties into the tree, she felt the familiar apathy and loathing settle in to take their rightful places. She became aware of the combination of throbbing and burning engulfing her hands, and the strain of overexertion in her muscles; she relished every sensation. **_I am Mord-sith._** She retrieved her bow with a cold grin and colder eyes, and set out to catch the buck.

* * *

When Zedd woke at first light with a growling stomach, he felt grateful that most of the palace staff began their work at dawn. There was a knock at his room just as he finished dressing in his plain robes, and a letter was pushed beneath the door. It was from Master Doran, to say the mare had been returned to her stable – likely just before dawn, since no one had actually seen Cara or the mare return. Zedd stopped by Cara's seldom-used room, finding it – predictably – vacant. He visited the Mother Confessor's quarters to check in on a sleeping Kahlan before heading towards the kitchen.

The cavernous space was warm from the ovens and smelt of freshly baked bread. Zedd always thought it to be the most comforting room of the enormous palace. It was always bustling with activity, but anyone who cared to look closer could see that things flowed smoothly as people moved around each other with purpose and familiarity. On this particular morning, however, there appeared to be a disruption to the usual flow; Zedd was as surprised as everyone else to see Cara burst in from the garden with a large buck draped over her shoulders. She carelessly dumped the dead animal onto a sturdy wooden table, on top of various utensils and platters, ignoring the wide eyes and gaping mouths of the people around her. She snagged a bunch of grapes from a fruit platter nearby and popped one into her mouth as she pushed past Zedd with hardly a glance, heading into the palace.

Zedd's first instinct was to call out to Cara or chase after her, but something held him back. He hadn't failed to notice her shredded gloves barely covering blue and red knuckles, and her demeanour didn't exactly call for company. He filed the information away for later, and turned his attention back to his loud stomach. The wizard piled a tray with an assortment of foods, having decided that he would have breakfast with Kahlan and see how she was feeling.


	6. Chapter 6

"Eat up, Kahlan, you need to keep your strength up."

Kahlan looked at Zedd with a pained smile and redoubled her efforts to finish the porridge and blueberries she'd been picking at. Across the room, Zedd had already eaten enough to feed three people. He'd spent the morning fussing over her lack of appetite and shortness of breath, but Kahlan had become accustomed to her failing body and was distracted with thoughts of Cara. She'd convinced Zedd that she was okay and had promised she would eat, and they'd sat in comfortable silence while Zedd scoffed down his food and Kahlan pushed the porridge around her bowl.

When Zedd had eaten his fill he sat and told Kahlan about some of the books and artifacts he'd found in his efforts to sort through one of the larger libraries of the Wizard's Keep. Kahlan knew the wizard was watching her closely as he rambled, so she kept a slow but steady pace with the porridge. She listened to Zedd without hearing him and her eyes kept flickering to the door, thinking of Cara and hoping she would appear. Kahlan grew frustrated with her bed-ridden state, wishing she could just go search for the Mord-Sith.

"What's troubling you?"

Kahlan looked up at Zedd, startled by his sudden question.

Zedd smiled sadly, knowingly. "Talk to me, child".

She sighed. "Cara's been different since I woke up yesterday, and I haven't even seen her since she walked out of here last night."

Zedd walked over to sit on the edge of Kahlan's bed, taking the half empty bowl from her hands to place it on the nightstand. He debated whether to tell Kahlan about his encounter with Cara this morning, but decided to keep it to himself for the time being.

Zedd's heart ached at the sight of Kahlan looking so small and frail, a ghost of her former self. He could still see the strength in her, the Mother Confessor in her, but her body just wasn't keeping up. She was getting worse by the day, and he could tell that she knew it too.

"Did something happen during those two days while I was…asleep? Cara has hardly let me out of her sight since we arrived in Aydindril, then suddenly she won't come near me or look me in the eye, and she disappears for the night." Kahlan felt the sting of tears behind her eyes and looked away, blinking furiously to hold them back. "We've grown so close, Zedd, she's done so much for me and I've seen so much change in her. But now…She looked different when she left yesterday. When I caught her eye her expression was cold. Stoic…Mord-Sith."

"Cara refused to leave your bedside when you fainted. She paced often, and fretted like a mother hen. Though she would never admit to that last part."

Kahlan smiled fondly, even as she blushed. "So what changed, Zedd? Why isn't she here? I hate to sound needy or dependent, but…." She took one of Zedd's large hands between her own, and looked up at him as a tear escaped down her cheek. "We both know I don't have long. I can feel it, Zedd. I can't hold on much longer. There's a constant pain in my chest and I can hardly catch my breath, though I haven't left my bed. I need her to be here."

Zedd fought back tears of his own, leaning forward to plant a gentle kiss on the top of Kahlan's head. "I daresay she's afraid. She cares for you a great deal, as she's shown in her own way. I suspect her feelings run deeper than just friendship."

Kahlan's eyes widened. "Zedd, that's absurd-"

"Kahlan, I think you know the truth of what I say. And I think you feel it too."

Kahlan blushed furiously, realising that she hadn't been as good at hiding her feelings as she'd thought. Zedd chuckled.

"I'm older than the both of you combined, and then some. You both may be too stubborn to admit it to each other, but it's clear as day."

"I'm a Confessor, Zedd, and she's a Mord-Sith. How I feel doesn't matter. It could never be."

"Which brings me back to your initial enquiry; she's a Mord-Sith. With feelings. She cares for you a great deal, she's watched your illness progress, and she watched over you as you slept for two days, no doubt worrying that you wouldn't wake up. For someone who has been taught to suppress and discard emotions her whole life, that's a lot to deal with. I think she's trying to distance herself, remain detached."

Kahlan closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Spirits, I hadn't even stopped to consider that. Some Confessor I am."

"You've been in denial about her feelings for you, that's a big piece of the puzzle. But now is not the time to pretend, Kahlan, or to hide. And although that's what Cara is trying to do, she is no longer truly a Mord-Sith, and she will only hurt more later if she plays this game now. I don't think she'll stay away for long, though. When she comes to you, you need to be open with her, and you need to try and make her be open with you. For your sake, and for hers."

Kahlan nodded, her tears running freely now. "I'll try. Thank you, Zedd."

There was knock at the door and Zedd rose to answer it while Kahlan wiped at her tears. Richard walked in and greeted Kahlan with a quick hug, then turned to include Zedd as he spoke.

"Uh, who angered Cara?"

Zedd tensed, sharing an alarmed look with Kahlan. "What do you mean, my boy?"

"She's out in the courtyard yelling at the guards to attack her. Apparently she disrupted their training this morning for some sparring, and she's been taking them down a dozen at a time with her bare hands. I think they're getting scared of her…"

Despite her worry, Kahlan couldn't help but wish she could leave her room to go watch Cara spar, or even join her. She felt a twinge of despair as she realised she would never have the opportunity to do either of those things again, but she pushed it aside, not wanting to succumb to that darkness.

Zedd sighed. "Stay here with Kahlan, I'll go check on Cara".

Richard smirked and bowed slightly to Zedd. "Be my guest!"

As Zedd was leaving, Richard took up his usual post by Kahlan's bed and looked at her closely. It was evident that she'd recently been crying.

Kahlan could tell that Richard wanted to ask, so she quickly shook her head, looking down at her hands. Richard squeezed her forearm gently, **_I understand_** , and pulled a wooden game board from beside the nightstand.

"Nine Men's Morris?"

Kahlan took in Richard's hopeful, boyish expression; big brown eyes, shaggy hair (overdue for a trim), and his usual lopsided smile. Where Cara had grown moody and withdrawn in the face of Kahlan's illness, Richard continued to put on a brave face and keep Kahlan entertained. She grinned back at him and made space on the bed for the game board.


	7. Chapter 7

Zedd watched the commotion in the courtyard from one of the second floor balconies. Cara moved like a whirlwind, taking down five men twice her size before they could even think to retaliate.

"More!"

The men on the sidelines looked at each other uneasily, most of them already nursing a myriad of injuries.

"MORE!" She yelled again. A few seconds passed and it became evident that no more challengers would be stepping forward this morning. Cara growled loudly in frustration, causing some of the men to flinch.

She sneered at that. "Run home to your mothers," then quieter, "milk-drinkers."

Even from a distance Zedd caught the feral glint in the blonde's eyes. She didn't seem to notice the blood running down her arm from a slice she'd taken to her bicep, or the purple bruise forming on her chin.

He watched her head in the direction of the garden adjoining the kitchen, where he'd seen her burst in with the buck, so he began making his way down to intercept her.

Zedd took a second to enjoy the delectable aromas of the kitchen before making a beeline for the door on the opposite side of the room. He stepped out to see Cara leaning over the fountain at the far end of the garden, washing the sweat and grime from her face.

"Cara."

She glanced over her shoulder briefly and turned away again. "Wizard."

 ** _This 'wizard' business again...Just as I'd gotten used to her using my name._** Zedd circled the fountain to face the Mord-Sith across the water. "I'd heard you had the men cowering."

A shrug.

"Kahlan's been asking for you."

Cara's movements stilled for barely half a heartbeat, muscles tensed, and then her mask fell back into place and she shrugged once more.

Zedd sighed, realising that beating around the bush would get him nowhere. "She's upset that you left yesterday evening and haven't been to see her. She's been feeling worse today. She needs you, Cara."

Cara straightened, scowling, her eyes betraying nothing. "Tell her I can't help her." She turned, about to storm back out of the garden.

Zedd sighed with frustration, unable to keep the sound of it from his voice as he yelled after her, "Tell her yourself!" As the blonde disappeared from view, he shook his head. "Bags. Children these days."


End file.
